This week’s letter is from Has-been striker Gary Reay and Gary ask’s…….

Lee…I have not played for ten weeks and as a result I am struggling to get into my shorts! You look great in your kit and I was wondering if you had any tips to help me look as good as you?

Well thanks for the letter Gary….Some might say you have not played for ten years never mind ten weeks but I don’t subscribe to that theory. Your record of fourteen ‘ Golden High Heels’ may never be broken but the fact remains that you are a Fat Baldy Bas*#rd.

If you want to look as good as me in my kit get a pair of White boots for a starter…then…get on the beds like that Fruit Craig Donaghy and finally….start knocking round with Brunty. He gets chased by that many Puffs the weight will fly off !

After weeks of speculation, the world and European champions held off a late bid from affluent Premier League side Manchester City, thought to be in the region of £95 million.

Barca boss Pep Guardiola has said he is delighted with his new signing and revealed that Ian Brunt could make the starting XI for Saturday's crucial clash with Real Sociedad.

Guardiola told Sky Sports: "When you see potential in a player you have to act fast and this is a star who has an eye for goal, can pass with either foot and is comfortable in many positions.

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Click Here for Ian Brunt Transfer Details

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On behalf of all the players and committee of Dock AFC we would like to take this opportunity to thank Mike for the excellent job that he has performed during his tenure as Manager and wish him every success for the future in his new appointment. Similarly, we would also like to congratulate Jason on his new appointment and look forward to what is hoped will be the beginning of another successful era in the Club's history.

In part III of the series Brunty is about to be crowned European Footballer of the Year but is leaving his transfer request to Louis Spence, who is his Agent and P.A. He is last seen entering the toilets of Heathrow Airport on route to Paris for the awards ceremony. He is rotten drunk and emotional. Binksy has gone missing with Louis and they are nowhere to be seen. Stevo follows Brunty into the Bogs……

M.S.- Oi ! Sh*t house!
I.B.- (turns his head) Oh Sh*t ! what are you doing here ?
M.S.- I’m here to kick your fu*kin’ head in you Tart !

With that Brunty legs it…but there is only one way to go….into the bogs ! As I catch up with him…….
I.B.- Don’t hit me Stevo….Not the face…not the face….I’m sorry, I’m sorry it was Louis’ idea……

Just then there is grunting and groaning coming from the cubicle behind us…seconds later the cubicle opens and Louis and Binksy emerge flustered and doing up their clothes.

L.S.- Hiiiii guy’s!…. Ian…. I think we’re gonna drop that transfer request ‘cos Binksy is a Wiiiiiiildman !
M.S.- Right Louis….I want the rest of that interview when he gets the Ballon d’Or
L.S.- Sure thing Big boy !
M.S.- Binks….Are you o.k ?
B.X..- F#ck off…..I don’t want to talk about it !

Binksy walks off like John Wayne after taking one for the team. Brunty is back on board!
Brunty and Louis invite Binksy and I onto their table for the Ballon d’Or ceremony that night and promise me unrestricted access to the proceedings that see Brunty crowned European Footballer of the Year.
On our table….:- Brunty; Louis; Stevo; Binksy (standing up) David Ginola; Gabriel Batistuta and David Beckham…….

I.B.- Oi…Becks!…Pass us the Champers over lad !
D.B.- Sure thing Ian….
D.G.- Ian….Do you not think you ‘ave ‘ad enough? ee haugh! ee haugh! ee haugh!
I.B.- Fu#k off you!..you long haired French ponce! It’s my night and I’ll have as much as I want!
D.G.- l’homme est un imbecile !
I.B.- ‘Ave a look at my hair you tw#t ! It’s because I’m worth it ! Oi ! Batistuta…. you greasy haired cu#t…Lend us some grease ? Ha Ha!

Brunty is slaughtered and is mouthing off to all around him.

I.B.- I’m gonna find Platini and tell him that he’s a W#nker !
M.S.- Don’t be soft…He’s on stage about to give you The Ballon d’Or !
I.B.- Oh…Oh Yeah. So he is.

Platini calls out the result in reverse order….

M.P.- In 3rd place …Christiano Ronaldo…….In 2nd place…Lionel Messi….. and in 1st place……. Ian Brunt……

Brunty legs it up onto the stage and trips up on the red carpet and falls head first into the podium with the Ballon d’Or toppling off onto Platini’s big toe !

M.P.- Arrrrghhhhh ! You stupid fat headed fu#ker ! Fu#k off back to your table and take this with you…..

Platini hurls the Ballon d’Or at Brunty and he in turn heads it and it smashes into a thousand pieces onto the floor right in front of Platini.

Platini calls for Security and Brunty is thrown out… Batistuta and Ginola are waving sarcastically to our hero as he is ejected.

I.B.- I’ll have you two long haired fu#ker’s… Louis c’mon…we’re outa here.
L.S.- Speak for yourself Darling…I’m with Binksy !
I.B.- Stevo ?
M.S.- I’m with Becks, Dava and ‘Batigol’. See you later !

Part 4 of The Brunty Interviews next month.
Brunty wanders the streets of Paris and runs into lumber with P.S.G. fans. Stevo and Brunty fight on the Eurostar.

We wish Jean all the best for a speedy recovery and can’t wait to see her back to her old self on the line giving our opponents some foul and abusive language (especially you boys from Queens Park)!!!

The winner of the signed Luis Suares shirt will be whoever has the time of the last goal scored during the Liverpool v Newcastle game which will be shown live on Sky Sports on 30th December (0 to 1 is the first minute, 1 to 2 is the second minute etc etc, so if the last goal is scored after 25 minutes and 30 seconds then whoever has 26 minutes wins). We will publish all names and times on this website prior to the game.

Thanks again from Dock AFC and the Reay family!!!

Hi Ammo
I’m an Ex-Dock player and was wondering if you use your right foot much or is it for standing on like mine was as I’m left footed like yourself, however I’m not from Wallasey
so I don’t have that extra toe to create as much power as I would like!!!

Well Kenny, firstly let me say how good it is to hear from Ex-players such as yourself and I’m glad that you wrote in because Hon.Tres. Shaun Byrne informs me that you owe £3500 in Bonus Ball money as you never cancelled your number since last time you played for the Dock!

Putting that aside and to answer your question…… My left foot has sometimes been described as the Eighth wonder of the World….. but when my right foot has been called upon it has never let me down! I hear your nickname was ‘’The Wand’’ in tribute to your wonderful left peg, well…. they call my right peg ‘’ Norman’’ because that’s my middle name…Lee Norman Hammond.

I note that you are from the Eastham area…this is more or less the same as Wallasey and I feel an empathy with you. Please make arrangements to repay the £3500 or we will ask you to come out of retirement to play left lung back next week.

Please email your questions for "AMMO" to chris.stading@dockafc.co.uk

This week’s letter is from new proud Father and midfield dynamo Craig ‘Wing nut’ Johno, who writes ‘’Lee….Your great at making Lung bursting runs from the left back position. What I want to know is…….what is your supreme fitness down to and can you devise a training regime for me?’’

Well thanks for the letter ‘Wing nut’…Yes I am known for those runs and it is down to a couple of things. Firstly, those extra toes I have give me an increased advantage over my opponents who have no chance once I switch into Turbo speed.

Secondly, my joints, tendons and cartilages are all greased and oiled every Saturday night with Jaeger Bombs and bottles of Bud down The Boot!

As for the training regime, I suggest you join me and get greased and oiled up yourself. A word of warning though….this will bring unwanted attention from Gary Reay and Brunty as they are both known grease and oil lovers!

In part II of the Brunty interviews, Stevo spends six months in hospital recovering from the vicious attack on him by Brunt and his P.A. Louis Spence. You may recall him being beat up when he asked about Brunt’s designer stubble in part I of these recordings. This enraged Brunt so much, Stevo was in intensive care and it was touch and go for a while.

During these six months Brunt’s career was in overdrive, Man of the Match award in the Wirral Premier Cup Final, Outstanding solo goals in league matches to win the points that eventually win the league, stunning hat-trick in the Memorial Cup Final and perhaps his finest hour…..leading his team to a 1.0 victory in the Veronica Conway Cup Final. The Dock had 3 men sent off but Brunt produces a Roy Keane type performance to drag his team to glory scoring the winner in injury time of extra time!

Brunt gets nominated for The Ballon d’Or (European footballer of the year for those who don’t know !) but stuns the football world by asking for a transfer from The Dock! Binksy is incandescent with rage and is seething when he visits me in hospital as I recuperate……..

BX.- He’s asked for a f.’#kin’ move ! After all we’ve done for him. He’s asked for a f.’#kin’ move ! He was f’#kin’ nothin’ before he came here…f’#kin’ nothin’! Do’ya know that he’s got that Louis Spence in the dressing room doin’ his f’#kin’ hair before he runs out ? Gary Reays’ head’s been turned now….he’s doing a f’#kin’ D.J. set on Saturday at f’#kin’ ‘Superstar Boudoir’. Mick Saunders is wearing leather f’#kin’ trousers and O’Hanlon turned up with a leather vest on the other day !

M.S.- Sounds like he’s out of control ?

BX.- Out of control ! Out of f’#kin’ control ! I should of done him in when he done you… Could never figure out why you wouldn’t let me ?

M.S.- I need that interview.

BX.- Get your interview before I get him ‘cos I’m Bouncin’!

Meanwhile I am released from hospital and invited to Paris by U.E.F.A. for The Ballon d’Or award . I take Binks as my guest and back-up in case Brunt kicks off. In recent weeks Brunt has attacked Oliver Holt and Harry Harris. He is still with his P.A. Louis Spence and is knocking round with Joey Essex . Rumours are circulating that he is about to appear in T.O.W.I.B. (The Only Way Is Brunty.) The season is over and the transfer request still stands. Brunt will not talk to Binks, instead, directing all dealings to his P.A. and now Agent, Louis Spence.

At Heathrow waiting for the flight to Paris.

M.S.- Here’s Louis coming over now.

BX- Looks like a right Mincer !

L.S- Hi Stevo ( in a camp voice ) Sorry about that er…..shall we say little misunderstanding…. Ian is so sorry, he doesn’t know what came over him (no pun intended) Whose your friend ?

M.S.- Thats o.k. Louis, it’s all forgotten about. This is Binksy…. Manager of Dock F.C.

L.S.- O.M.G…..So your Binksy.!!!…..Me and you just have to talk. This way girlfriend!
Louis prances off like Gary Reay through on goal….. beckoning Binksy to follow him.

BX- F’#kin’ girlfriend ! ….I’ll f’#kin’ kill him !

M.S.- Keep calm. Sort it with him ‘cos we need Brunty for next season and Louis holds the key. Give him anything he wants !

B.X.- Anything ?

M.S- Yes mate, anything !
Binksy disappears with Louis to the V.I.P.Lounge and I make my way over to a crowd of people gathering round someone holding court……..It’s Brunty….Pissed and mouthing off how he’s gonna get The Ballon d’Or and how he’s holding The Dock to ransom.

I.B- Yeah….I’ve got this Balloon thingy sewn up…..About time I got some recognition carrying this shower of Sh*t* ! He (Binks) wants to realise what I do for this club. I’ve got a ‘Fly on the Wall’ documentary coming soon. I can get him and his poxy team on the telly. Mind you…they won’t be able to fit Packmans arse on the screen…They had better up the ante next season or I’m off !

Brunty downs a Treble Whisky with a Snowball chaser in one and staggers off in the direction of the toilets. This is my chance…..should I do him in or hold off until I get the big one? In less than 24 hours Brunty is going to be crowned European Footballer of the Year and I could have the exclusive. I decide against doing him in ….there’s plenty of time for that….. and follow him into the bog’s.

Part 3 of The Brunty Interviews next month.
Carnage in the Bogs….. Binksy swings it with Louis and Brunty signs Mega deal.

Hi… I’m Lee Hammond and welcome to my new series of ASK ‘AMMO ? You can ask me anything you like about the game of football.

This week we kick off with a letter from Gary Reay. Reay Man asks……Hi Lee….you’re great at taking peno’s….can I ask you…what is the secret of taking a great peno like you?

Well…thanks for the letter Gaz. Being from Wallasey you should know what the secret is! All Wallasians have six fingers but it is a little known fact that certain Wallasians have six toes! I have six toes on my left peg and this gives me extra power and accuracy on my spot kicks. That extra digit gives me that little bit more in the dual between me and the keeper. By the way Gaz… if you think your getting the next peno…think again ‘cos I’m gonna win The Golden High Heel this year….. so do one Reay Man !

The Village Road Runners will be collecting again in a few months, so if any individuals have old Liverpool, Everton, Tranmere etc shirts / kits which you would like to donate to a good cause, please use the contact facility on this site to arrange collection. Also, if any teams have kits they no longer use then we would be more than pleased to take them off your hands.

Pictured left is Joe McArdle from The Village Roadrunners just finishing the recent Liverpool Marathon, well done Joe!!!

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Click Here For More Photos

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Photos: Chris Stading

M.S.- Ian….thank you for this opportunity and your time. I realise that you have many commitments and time is a premium.

I.B.- Whateva.

M.S.- Excuse me ?

I.B.- You heard….Get on with it.

M.S.- Charming….Right then….Ian, your position as a global superstar is undoubted but can I ask you with what team did your journey to superstardom start with?

I.B.- Pacific. Next.

M.S.- I’d like to stay with the Pacific if I may ?

I.B.- Move on.

M.S.- No..I’m conducting this interview and…….

I.B.- Listen mate, I’m not in the mood for your poncy interview and if you fancy it…let’s have it !

M.S.- Are you threatening me ?

I.B.- Yeah, got it in one !

At this point Louis Spence (Brunty’s P.A.) called a halt to the interview. Louis explained that Brunty was under enormous pressure carrying The Dock F.C. They both left the room and returned five minutes later.

I.B.- Sorry about that…let’s start again.

M.S.- No problem….The Pacific…You played for them against The Dock at Newton in a cup tie in your younger days.

I.B.- That’s right…..I played in midfield against you.

M.S.- Correct…and you didn’t get a sniff.

I.B.- Behave!

M.S.- Yes and you asked me for my shirt after the game didn’t you ?

I.B.- Yes.

M.S.- Moving on….You signed for The Dock and immediately steered the club to the League championship as part of a treble trophy winning season….Did you know by then that you where a superstar in the making ?

I.B. – Well….Yeah…I did. The hair was coming on and taking shape then and my repertoire of overhead kicks and outside of the boot passes were growing game by game.

M.S. – And the designer stubble……?

I.B. – You’re taking the piss now…..Louis, Louis….. Get this dickhead out of here !

Louis approaches me and punches me full on in the face. Brunt then joins in putting the boot in and laughing whilst he does it. As I stagger to my feet Louis boots me right in the b@ll@cks and then ‘high fives’ Brunt. They both leave the room obviously pleased at what they had both done.

The interview is over as I ponder my next move….Do I get revenge or do I just let it go to get the big interview with one of the world’s greatest players?

Part 2 of The Brunty Interviews next month. How I get Binksy in as my minder. Louis chats Binksy up and Brunty wins the Ballon d’Or