HOULIHAN'S BSFL PREMIER DIVISION
19 February 2012 Rock Ferry Social v Dock (Levers 5)

This week’s letter is from Has-been striker Gary Reay and Gary ask’s…….

Lee…I have not played for ten weeks and as a result I am struggling to get into my shorts! You look great in your kit and I was wondering if you had any tips to help me look as good as you?

Well thanks for the letter Gary….Some might say you have not played for ten years never mind ten weeks but I don’t subscribe to that theory. Your record of fourteen ‘ Golden High Heels’ may never be broken but the fact remains that you are a Fat Baldy Bas*#rd.

If you want to look as good as me in my kit get a pair of White boots for a starter…then…get on the beds like that Fruit Craig Donaghy and finally….start knocking round with Brunty. He gets chased by that many Puffs the weight will fly off !

After weeks of speculation, the world and European champions held off a late bid from affluent Premier League side Manchester City, thought to be in the region of £95 million.

Barca boss Pep Guardiola has said he is delighted with his new signing and revealed that Ian Brunt could make the starting XI for Saturday's crucial clash with Real Sociedad.

Guardiola told Sky Sports: "When you see potential in a player you have to act fast and this is a star who has an eye for goal, can pass with either foot and is comfortable in many positions.

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Click Here for Ian Brunt Transfer Details

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18th August 2011 Dock 1-2 Rock Ferry Social
Paul Howell

21st August 2011 Shore Villa 2-4 Dock
Jamie Kenyon
Shaun Turner
Lee Hammond
Paul Howell

25th August 2011 Dock 3-1 Argyll
Jamie Kenyon (2)
Billy Newman

28th August 2011 New Ferry Wirral Hotel 2-4 Dock
Jamie Kenyon
Shaun Holmes
Iggy McGraa
Own Goal

1st September 2011 Dock 2-5 Stirrup Sports & Social
Lee Hammond (pen)
Jamie Kenyon

4th September 2011 Dock 3-1 Brow
Paul Byrne
Jamie Kenyon (2)

16th October 2011 Argyll 0-2 Dock
Paul Howell
Mike Saunders

30th October 2011 Dock 3-1 New Ferry Wirral Hotel
Paul Howell (2)
Lee Hammond (pen)

6th November 2011 Dock 3-1 Heygarth
Shaun Holmes
Paul Howell
Gary Reay

13th November 2011 The Tower 0-4 Dock
Mike Saunders
Gary Reay
Craig Donaghy
Craig Johnson

20th November 2011 Stirrup 4-1 Dock
Mike Saunders

27th November 2011 Dock 2-3 Shore Villa
Jamie Kenyon (2)

4th December 2011 Heygarth 2-5 Dock
Paul Byrne
Lee Hammond
Shaun Holmes
Iggy McGraa
Jamie Kenyon

CHESHIRE SUNDAY CUP
18th September 2011 Dock 4-1 Stockport Dynamoes
Jamie Kenyon
Lee Hammond (pen)
Bernie Holmes
Gary Reay

23rd October 2011 Brow 3-1 Dock
Lee Hammond (Pen)

WIRRAL PREMIER CUP
9th October 2011 Dock 2-4 Shore Villa
Lee Hammond (pen)
Shaun Turner

TONY HOULIHAN'S MEMORIAL CHALANGE CUP
29 January 2012 Heygarth 5-5 Dock (Heygarth win 5-4 on penalties)
Paul Howell (2)
Lee Hammond
Neil Wilson
Jamie Kenyon

On behalf of all the players and committee of Dock AFC we would like to take this opportunity to thank Mike for the excellent job that he has performed during his tenure as Manager and wish him every success for the future in his new appointment. Similarly, we would also like to congratulate Jason on his new appointment and look forward to what is hoped will be the beginning of another successful era in the Club's history.

In part III of the series Brunty is about to be crowned European Footballer of the Year but is leaving his transfer request to Louis Spence, who is his Agent and P.A. He is last seen entering the toilets of Heathrow Airport on route to Paris for the awards ceremony. He is rotten drunk and emotional. Binksy has gone missing with Louis and they are nowhere to be seen. Stevo follows Brunty into the Bogs……

M.S.- Oi ! Sh*t house!
I.B.- (turns his head) Oh Sh*t ! what are you doing here ?
M.S.- I’m here to kick your fu*kin’ head in you Tart !

With that Brunty legs it…but there is only one way to go….into the bogs ! As I catch up with him…….
I.B.- Don’t hit me Stevo….Not the face…not the face….I’m sorry, I’m sorry it was Louis’ idea……

Just then there is grunting and groaning coming from the cubicle behind us…seconds later the cubicle opens and Louis and Binksy emerge flustered and doing up their clothes.

L.S.- Hiiiii guy’s!…. Ian…. I think we’re gonna drop that transfer request ‘cos Binksy is a Wiiiiiiildman !
M.S.- Right Louis….I want the rest of that interview when he gets the Ballon d’Or
L.S.- Sure thing Big boy !
M.S.- Binks….Are you o.k ?
B.X..- F#ck off…..I don’t want to talk about it !

Binksy walks off like John Wayne after taking one for the team. Brunty is back on board!
Brunty and Louis invite Binksy and I onto their table for the Ballon d’Or ceremony that night and promise me unrestricted access to the proceedings that see Brunty crowned European Footballer of the Year.
On our table….:- Brunty; Louis; Stevo; Binksy (standing up) David Ginola; Gabriel Batistuta and David Beckham…….

I.B.- Oi…Becks!…Pass us the Champers over lad !
D.B.- Sure thing Ian….
D.G.- Ian….Do you not think you ‘ave ‘ad enough? ee haugh! ee haugh! ee haugh!
I.B.- Fu#k off you!..you long haired French ponce! It’s my night and I’ll have as much as I want!
D.G.- l’homme est un imbecile !
I.B.- ‘Ave a look at my hair you tw#t ! It’s because I’m worth it ! Oi ! Batistuta…. you greasy haired cu#t…Lend us some grease ? Ha Ha!

Brunty is slaughtered and is mouthing off to all around him.

I.B.- I’m gonna find Platini and tell him that he’s a W#nker !
M.S.- Don’t be soft…He’s on stage about to give you The Ballon d’Or !
I.B.- Oh…Oh Yeah. So he is.

Platini calls out the result in reverse order….

M.P.- In 3rd place …Christiano Ronaldo…….In 2nd place…Lionel Messi….. and in 1st place……. Ian Brunt……

Brunty legs it up onto the stage and trips up on the red carpet and falls head first into the podium with the Ballon d’Or toppling off onto Platini’s big toe !

M.P.- Arrrrghhhhh ! You stupid fat headed fu#ker ! Fu#k off back to your table and take this with you…..

Platini hurls the Ballon d’Or at Brunty and he in turn heads it and it smashes into a thousand pieces onto the floor right in front of Platini.

Platini calls for Security and Brunty is thrown out… Batistuta and Ginola are waving sarcastically to our hero as he is ejected.

I.B.- I’ll have you two long haired fu#ker’s… Louis c’mon…we’re outa here.
L.S.- Speak for yourself Darling…I’m with Binksy !
I.B.- Stevo ?
M.S.- I’m with Becks, Dava and ‘Batigol’. See you later !

Part 4 of The Brunty Interviews next month.
Brunty wanders the streets of Paris and runs into lumber with P.S.G. fans. Stevo and Brunty fight on the Eurostar.

We wish Jean all the best for a speedy recovery and can’t wait to see her back to her old self on the line giving our opponents some foul and abusive language (especially you boys from Queens Park)!!!

The winner of the signed Luis Suares shirt will be whoever has the time of the last goal scored during the Liverpool v Newcastle game which will be shown live on Sky Sports on 30th December (0 to 1 is the first minute, 1 to 2 is the second minute etc etc, so if the last goal is scored after 25 minutes and 30 seconds then whoever has 26 minutes wins). We will publish all names and times on this website prior to the game.

Thanks again from Dock AFC and the Reay family!!!

Hi Ammo
I’m an Ex-Dock player and was wondering if you use your right foot much or is it for standing on like mine was as I’m left footed like yourself, however I’m not from Wallasey
so I don’t have that extra toe to create as much power as I would like!!!

Well Kenny, firstly let me say how good it is to hear from Ex-players such as yourself and I’m glad that you wrote in because Hon.Tres. Shaun Byrne informs me that you owe £3500 in Bonus Ball money as you never cancelled your number since last time you played for the Dock!

Putting that aside and to answer your question…… My left foot has sometimes been described as the Eighth wonder of the World….. but when my right foot has been called upon it has never let me down! I hear your nickname was ‘’The Wand’’ in tribute to your wonderful left peg, well…. they call my right peg ‘’ Norman’’ because that’s my middle name…Lee Norman Hammond.

I note that you are from the Eastham area…this is more or less the same as Wallasey and I feel an empathy with you. Please make arrangements to repay the £3500 or we will ask you to come out of retirement to play left lung back next week.

Please email your questions for "AMMO" to chris.stading@dockafc.co.uk

Jamie Kenyon came on in the second half and looked lively after his long layoff, he managed to pull a goal back to make it 2-1, only for Shore Villa to net at the other end to make it 3-1. Iggy Mcgraa came on and netted to bring the game to 3-2, but Dock were always struggling to level the score line. On target for Shore Villa were Adam Lea, Tom Kellock and Sam Hunt.

Photos: Chris Stading

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Click Here For Dock AFC Facebook Page

This week’s letter is from new proud Father and midfield dynamo Craig ‘Wing nut’ Johno, who writes ‘’Lee….Your great at making Lung bursting runs from the left back position. What I want to know is…….what is your supreme fitness down to and can you devise a training regime for me?’’

Well thanks for the letter ‘Wing nut’…Yes I am known for those runs and it is down to a couple of things. Firstly, those extra toes I have give me an increased advantage over my opponents who have no chance once I switch into Turbo speed.

Secondly, my joints, tendons and cartilages are all greased and oiled every Saturday night with Jaeger Bombs and bottles of Bud down The Boot!

As for the training regime, I suggest you join me and get greased and oiled up yourself. A word of warning though….this will bring unwanted attention from Gary Reay and Brunty as they are both known grease and oil lovers!