The Dock Amateur Football Club

Hi… I’m Lee Hammond and welcome to the Third of my new series of ASK ‘AMMO ? You can ask me anything you like about the game of football. This week’s letter is from Ex-Dock player Kenny ‘The Wand’ Berry and Kenny asks…..

Hi Ammo
I’m an Ex-Dock player and was wondering if you use your right foot much or is it for standing on like mine was as I’m left footed like yourself, however I’m not from Wallasey
so I don’t have that extra toe to create as much power as I would like!!!

Well Kenny, firstly let me say how good it is to hear from Ex-players such as yourself and I’m glad that you wrote in because Hon.Tres. Shaun Byrne informs me that you owe £3500 in Bonus Ball money as you never cancelled your number since last time you played for the Dock!

Putting that aside and to answer your question…… My left foot has sometimes been described as the Eighth wonder of the World….. but when my right foot has been called upon it has never let me down! I hear your nickname was ‘’The Wand’’ in tribute to your wonderful left peg, well…. they call my right peg ‘’ Norman’’ because that’s my middle name…Lee Norman Hammond.

I note that you are from the Eastham area…this is more or less the same as Wallasey and I feel an empathy with you. Please make arrangements to repay the £3500 or we will ask you to come out of retirement to play left lung back next week.

Please email your questions for "AMMO" to chris.stading@dockafc.co.uk

For the second week running Dock lost their chance to go top of the league after another defeat this time to Shore Villa at a cold and windy Levers Sports Ground. The difference between the two sides was the finishing; with Shore Villa taking a 2-0 lead into half time after finishing the only two chances they had, while Dock couldn’t manage many shots on target.

Jamie Kenyon came on in the second half and looked lively after his long layoff, he managed to pull a goal back to make it 2-1, only for Shore Villa to net at the other end to make it 3-1. Iggy Mcgraa came on and netted to bring the game to 3-2, but Dock were always struggling to level the score line. On target for Shore Villa were Adam Lea, Tom Kellock and Sam Hunt.

Photos: Chris Stading

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Hi… I’m Lee Hammond and welcome to the second of my new series of ASK ‘AMMO ? You can ask me anything you like about the game of football.

This week’s letter is from new proud Father and midfield dynamo Craig ‘Wing nut’ Johno, who writes ‘’Lee….Your great at making Lung bursting runs from the left back position. What I want to know is…….what is your supreme fitness down to and can you devise a training regime for me?’’

Well thanks for the letter ‘Wing nut’…Yes I am known for those runs and it is down to a couple of things. Firstly, those extra toes I have give me an increased advantage over my opponents who have no chance once I switch into Turbo speed.

Secondly, my joints, tendons and cartilages are all greased and oiled every Saturday night with Jaeger Bombs and bottles of Bud down The Boot!

As for the training regime, I suggest you join me and get greased and oiled up yourself. A word of warning though….this will bring unwanted attention from Gary Reay and Brunty as they are both known grease and oil lovers!

Goal: Gary Reay

Report: Mike Stephens (to follow, maybe)
Photos: Chris Stading

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A fine performance from the Dock as they crossed the border into Wallasey. Gary Reay and Lee Hammond were playing on home turf and you could sense the extra spring in their step as the pair of them showed promise early on.

As early as the 10th minute Reay man forced a save from the keeper as he pushed over a drive from the reigning ‘Golden High Heel’ champion and he was involved in the build up for the first goal as Reay fed Mick Saunders who then danced past a couple of defenders and spotted the arriving Craig Donaghy who slotted left footed past the keeper for 1.0.

On 20 minutes Lee Hammond produced a superb penetrating run from left back, deep into the heart of Towers’ half that was only brought to a halt by a foul on the Wallasian right on the edge of the box. Donno’s resulting free kick was collected safely by the keeper. On the half hour mark Reay man forced another save from the keeper as he blocked with his legs after good link up play from the lively Billy Newman and current Ballon d’Or recipient Ivan Drago.

In the 33rd minute Hammond whipped in a magnificent cross to the far post for Mick Saunders to finish with aplomb and 2.0 it was. A great ball and smart finish…High Sixes all round. Saunders again was prominent as he slipped Reay man in only for the keeper to thwart him again with his legs. Half time and 2.0 it was and a fine half, full of running and excellent link up play.

The second half mirrored the first as Craig Johno struck the bar with the keeper routed to the spot but he made amends two minutes later as he curled one in with his left foot with fine approach play from Saunders and Reay, 3.0 with 52 minutes gone.

Just past the hour mark Billy Newman struck the post after a surging run down the right and two minutes later hit the bar with a scooped effort that deserved better. On the 70th minute Billy was involved in good interplay along with Dono and Johno which resulted in Newman pulling the ball back for Reay man who scuffed his shot past the keeper for 4.0. This sparked jubilant scenes as Reay scored on his return to his homeland for his 3rd goal of the season. I’m sure I spotted a tear in the master marksmans eye as he returned to his mark for the resulting kick off.

In the 75th minute The Goose entered the fray replacing Donno who was off for another 9 minutes on the sunbed at ‘Tantastic’. Goose played up front and showed some deft touches but turned like a double decker bus. The last of the action saw Brunty put the ball into the back of the net and wheel away with a finger raised in celebration only for the ref, the excellent ‘Rocket’ Ronny to disallow presumably for offside.

A word about debutant goalkeeper, Martin Stevenson, who showed good hands, kicked well and commanded his area with authority also Ian Irvine has settled nicely showing a calm neat and tidy approach to his football and are both welcome additions to the squad.

Man of the Match
Ian Brunt, closely followed by the excellent Billy Newman who caused havoc on both flanks.

Report: Mike Stephens
Photos: Chris Stading

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Over the last few weeks Mick Stephens has conducted a series of one-to-one interviews with the legend that is Ian Brunt. In them we reveal a fascinating insight into the mind of a superstar, what makes him tick? what drives him on ? At times these meetings often ended in violence and more than once the Police were called. On conclusion of these interviews we were forced to sign a confidentiality clause by Brunts lawyers. This I do not recognise and here are those interviews in full.

In part II of the Brunty interviews, Stevo spends six months in hospital recovering from the vicious attack on him by Brunt and his P.A. Louis Spence. You may recall him being beat up when he asked about Brunt’s designer stubble in part I of these recordings. This enraged Brunt so much, Stevo was in intensive care and it was touch and go for a while.

During these six months Brunt’s career was in overdrive, Man of the Match award in the Wirral Premier Cup Final, Outstanding solo goals in league matches to win the points that eventually win the league, stunning hat-trick in the Memorial Cup Final and perhaps his finest hour…..leading his team to a 1.0 victory in the Veronica Conway Cup Final. The Dock had 3 men sent off but Brunt produces a Roy Keane type performance to drag his team to glory scoring the winner in injury time of extra time!

Brunt gets nominated for The Ballon d’Or (European footballer of the year for those who don’t know !) but stuns the football world by asking for a transfer from The Dock! Binksy is incandescent with rage and is seething when he visits me in hospital as I recuperate……..

BX.- He’s asked for a f.’#kin’ move ! After all we’ve done for him. He’s asked for a f.’#kin’ move ! He was f’#kin’ nothin’ before he came here…f’#kin’ nothin’! Do’ya know that he’s got that Louis Spence in the dressing room doin’ his f’#kin’ hair before he runs out ? Gary Reays’ head’s been turned now….he’s doing a f’#kin’ D.J. set on Saturday at f’#kin’ ‘Superstar Boudoir’. Mick Saunders is wearing leather f’#kin’ trousers and O’Hanlon turned up with a leather vest on the other day !

M.S.- Sounds like he’s out of control ?

BX.- Out of control ! Out of f’#kin’ control ! I should of done him in when he done you… Could never figure out why you wouldn’t let me ?

M.S.- I need that interview.

BX.- Get your interview before I get him ‘cos I’m Bouncin’!

Meanwhile I am released from hospital and invited to Paris by U.E.F.A. for The Ballon d’Or award . I take Binks as my guest and back-up in case Brunt kicks off. In recent weeks Brunt has attacked Oliver Holt and Harry Harris. He is still with his P.A. Louis Spence and is knocking round with Joey Essex . Rumours are circulating that he is about to appear in T.O.W.I.B. (The Only Way Is Brunty.) The season is over and the transfer request still stands. Brunt will not talk to Binks, instead, directing all dealings to his P.A. and now Agent, Louis Spence.

At Heathrow waiting for the flight to Paris.

M.S.- Here’s Louis coming over now.

BX- Looks like a right Mincer !

L.S- Hi Stevo ( in a camp voice ) Sorry about that er…..shall we say little misunderstanding…. Ian is so sorry, he doesn’t know what came over him (no pun intended) Whose your friend ?

M.S.- Thats o.k. Louis, it’s all forgotten about. This is Binksy…. Manager of Dock F.C.

L.S.- O.M.G…..So your Binksy.!!!…..Me and you just have to talk. This way girlfriend!
Louis prances off like Gary Reay through on goal….. beckoning Binksy to follow him.

BX- F’#kin’ girlfriend ! ….I’ll f’#kin’ kill him !

M.S.- Keep calm. Sort it with him ‘cos we need Brunty for next season and Louis holds the key. Give him anything he wants !

B.X.- Anything ?

M.S- Yes mate, anything !
Binksy disappears with Louis to the V.I.P.Lounge and I make my way over to a crowd of people gathering round someone holding court……..It’s Brunty….Pissed and mouthing off how he’s gonna get The Ballon d’Or and how he’s holding The Dock to ransom.

I.B- Yeah….I’ve got this Balloon thingy sewn up…..About time I got some recognition carrying this shower of Sh*t* ! He (Binks) wants to realise what I do for this club. I’ve got a ‘Fly on the Wall’ documentary coming soon. I can get him and his poxy team on the telly. Mind you…they won’t be able to fit Packmans arse on the screen…They had better up the ante next season or I’m off !

Brunty downs a Treble Whisky with a Snowball chaser in one and staggers off in the direction of the toilets. This is my chance…..should I do him in or hold off until I get the big one? In less than 24 hours Brunty is going to be crowned European Footballer of the Year and I could have the exclusive. I decide against doing him in ….there’s plenty of time for that….. and follow him into the bog’s.

Part 3 of The Brunty Interviews next month.
Carnage in the Bogs….. Binksy swings it with Louis and Brunty signs Mega deal.